BlackNightingail

Why does the value that other people assign to us matter more than how much we value ourselves? Compliments are wonderful and good words can make one feel warm and fuzzy. Why can't we believe in ourselves? We can look in the mirror and know that we are smart, capable and good. But the public affirmation even from a stranger who does not know us matter more than what we tell our reflection.
I know that I am a good, talented person. I know that I have depth and skills that have not been tested. They are being tested now. For the first time in a long time, I am going out on my own, to survive on my own. Perhaps survive is no the right word. It should be to thrive on my own. I am responsible for myself. I cannot control the external world but I can control my interior one. I can manage the voices in my head that tell me that I am not good enough and that I will fail. I can discipline myself. Not all the time, though, I did have BBQ ribs for breakfast yesterday. But really, did that do any damage in the end? No. They were delicious in fact.
So, have faith in yourself, I will have faith in myself. I will fall, I will get back up.
Compared to where I was last year at this time, life is a piece of cake.
The blackness has lifted. Not all the time, the curtain of despair is raised enough for me to function. Sometimes it descends and envelopes me in its warm misery. I fall to my knees and pull it close and hug it to my body. Other days, I shrug it off and fold it neatly into a small bundle and store it away out of sight.
Today was an overwhelming blanket covering day. At the end, I managed to shrug the heavy layers off and now must move on.